I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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