i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
