oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
