Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
