Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
