hotel room ftw
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
