and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
