I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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