He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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