i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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