I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
