im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
