Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
