I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
