Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize