Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
