the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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