just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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