i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
