I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nicole vs. Life
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh god it's open bar.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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