oh god the rape fog is back!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
