You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
