im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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