If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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