remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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