beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
