Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
In other news, I just burned my penis
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
