Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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