Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
