Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
