I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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