yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
