she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
