Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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