We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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