on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
