so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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