Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i out mim tonsoeep
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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