What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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