Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
