she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize