theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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