I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
