There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
