i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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