something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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