We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
