Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
