You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
