Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
