New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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