I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
