I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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