: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you will always have a special place in my vag
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
