i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
