Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize